Once Upon A Time In Nigeria

Reverend Doctor Johnie, The previous Gov't wanted the oil my Uncle James was drilling all for themselves. They had tried to kill him on two other occasions. They finally succeeded when by accident he allowed his monthly television cable bill to lapse into past due status. His one weakness, his love for American gridiron (without which he could not continue his work) became his undoing! When in the middle of the New England Patriots vrs the Indiana Colts game, ( a very good game I might add) the T.V. shut off for lack of payment, Uncle Jimmie was driven by his phobic desire to leave the confines of the fortress he had been forced to create for protection from President Hoax de Publicks' co-conspirators! Uncle Jimmie wasn't stupid. He brought with him two mercenaries, disenfranchised Mo sad agents, kicked out because their superiors believed the Messiah hadn't come yet but Nic and Joseph knew that He had! That's another story! He also took two spear chuckers and the village witch doctor. He took the witch doctor, as you already know, because the culture in your country dictates that no one can come within 50 feet of the shaman without invitation. When he screeched into the building's parking lot( two stalls ) of the Ministry of Cable Television Sir Mibimbo-Status Minister of the Ministry greeted him with open arm. ( He had made the mistake of telling President Hoax He'd give his right arm to be a Minister!) Remember how much fun I had when in country asking small groups of natives to " give me a hand "? Man, they would vanish! The"Shaman Principle", didn't work on those who had attained Sir status! Mibimbo wasn't used to his new role yet and was sweating. His Ralph Lauren suit was completely a deeper shade of blue. Trying to make it back to the compound before the end of half-time Jimmie went inside to fill out the necessary paperwork neglecting to leave a guard posted by the truck. My own c.s.i team found the severed brake lines that caused the vehicle after climbing through Nocan Pass to gather so much speed on the down hill run that when they hit that elephant in the elephant crossing the elephant was cut in two. It slowed them down enough that the witch doctor and the two tribal warriors leaped to safety, sliding on elephant entrails to a complete stop 150 meters from the collision. Uncle Jimmie and his two mercs weren't as fortunate! They went off a cliff with a 1000 foot drop landing on the savanna. The only things remaining of them on site were the 14 page document from the Ministry of Cable Television and two gold crucifixes. My c.s.i guys figured with all that elephant blood and their own, covering them, they didn't last a half hour in the feeding frenzy that must have transpired after their landing! My regret is that Uncle Jimmie didn't get to see the second half of what turned out to be one hell of a game. Do what you will with my uncle's money. I spoke with the witch doctor. He told me of the final spell he was able to perform before he lost all of his powers because of the relationship Shaman's have with elephant's blood! He didn't like the way my uncle was treated. He made sure whoever comes by that money you are trying to give me will ................... Oh my God!! Ha-Ha! But then you'll find out pretty soon anyway what curse the good Shaman put on that money, won't you!!! I pity you, really. Good-bye and I do mean GOOD-BYE